Beautiful

 Beautiful

When I was in class four. I was moved to the front seat in class coz the teacher thought seating behind made me stupid
So I was moved closer to the blackboard since the teacher hoped more knowledge would diffuse into my thick skull
It didn’t work.

At home, my proud mother loved training her biceps with the all too common mwiko and slippers on my lazy bottom over the low scores I brought home every end of term.

When I was in class seven, it came to my realization that I had hyperactive growth hormones. I was long, not tall.
With a rugged desk, my rugby sized shorts developed holes from the undone nails. In no time, I had colored patches all over my rear.
My love for boots did me no good as my mum got me an oversized pair. Then we read that story about the giant who lost his shoes. It came to no surprise that rumor went round that I had found those lost shoes and I earned myself my first nickname.

Barmuriat
.

Too uncool to be accepted by any group, break time meant stay in, look thru the grills and watch the cool kids play.

I finally got to class eight
And I bet you know that phase, the lovers and crushes
My luck changed, for the worst
All my classmates were dating
As if this was to make me feel better, I wasn’t.
I had this super secret crush on a beautiful girl called Debbie
Day after wretched day I watched her drool over the cool guys in class
You know those ones with the confident smiles and mesmerizing words
Well at least I tried every once in a while.
I approached her yet I never could get the words right
I stuttered and mumbled
Spoke too fast and had my words jumbled

A crush is meant to hurt
I guess the name says it all.

As I grew up,
More of the friends I had talked about the women they dated, the women they courted, the women they played.
This if anything pulled me deeper into depression and dating anxiety believing that no one would ever want me
A sequence of heartbreaks proved the words I love you were never meant for me.

I emptied out my heart
Bleeding away the pain and care so I would feel nothing

You know that rhyme
About sticks and stones won’t break my bones
Guess what, its the hidden pain that lasts longest and heals slowest
Don’t tell me that beating in the street hurts more than your broken dreams
That that scar on your face hurts more than the cuts and pain felt in your heart

Love has always been a rose to me
Just thorns and blackened petals
Having to put myself together after every rosy affair
So I built a castle around my heart and on it put a big sign

Damaged
. Renovation in progress

A personality made up of insecurities and depression
Anxiety and phobias
Identity crisis
God must have mistakenly put me in a human body instead of a giraffe

Depression,
Looking for drugs like depression is something you can remedy out of the contents of a first aid kit.
Sometimes being depressed has more to do with humanity and less to do with insanity

They say life is a set of ups and downs
True enough
My uphills felt like mountains
And downhills felt like falling over cliffs.

Parents, teachers and friends asking me to be strong and stand my ground yet they are the very people trying to bury you beneath it

Sounds of crying voices hushed to the background on replay
Pushed down, forced to stay down with your face in the dirt becoz that’s where they believe you belong
Being called ugly becoz you don’t fit society’s norm
Maybe its call you are too tall or maybe too short
It could be becoz of that scar or maybe where you are from
Maybe its coz you are two shades too dark and everyone says the only asylum of peace for you is joining the sisterhood as no man would look at you twice.
Being told off every social circle becoz incidentally, you just weren’t cool enough.
Being lonely coz everyone judges you by what they see rather than what lies within
Heck you dare say you don’t walk around with X rays but at least
Won’t you take the time to know me before you judge me?

I am not the only kid who grew up this way
With an arsenal of names being constantly updated every year
The classics were
Hey stupid, foolish, ugly…

Yet some part of you kept fighting

Kept believing you were not what you were called
Kept believing they were wrong.

Well all this, is just a breeze
Why else would we still be here?
We are plants that stem from the very deeply rooted belief that we are greater than what we seem,
Greater than what everyone else sees
Greater than what everyone else thinks
We have to solidly believe that we are the Cinderella’s, the snow White’s, the prince charming, the beauty and not the beast
There something beautiful about you
And if you can’t see something good about yourself
Get a better mirror, look a little longer, stare a little closer
Becoz we are much more than what everyone thinks, we are greater than what society thinks.
We are #amazingly beautiful

 

Composed by Rousah Villah.

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